Dear Shame… Thank you!
Dear Shame,
Thank you.
Thank you for keeping me safe.
Confused? Let me explain.
What is shame?
Shame is different than guilt.
Guilt is feeling bad about something we did.
I stole a chocolate bar, lied to my spouse, gossiped about a friend, etc.
Guilt guides us to admit we were wrong, take responsibility, seek forgiveness, and change our behaviour.
Guilt guides us to make amends and repair relationship.
Shame is feeling bad about yourself as a person.
I am bad, worthless, dumb, unlovable, broken, etc.
Shame guides us to devalue or hide parts of ourselves to avoid judgment and rejection.
Shame guides us to be dishonest to “protect” our relationships.
Guilt guides us to honesty and connection.
Shame guides us to dishonesty and isolation.
Guilt is helpful.
Shame is not helpful… or is it?
Shame is a defence mechanism.
Shame “protects” us from being alone.
As humans, we need others to survive, especially when we are little.
We needed others to provide us food, shelter, emotional support, etc.
As little ones, we learn what keeps us connected to others.
If we are fully accepted by others, then shame is unnecessary.
If acceptance is dependent on certain expectations, then shame will guide us.
There are many things we could feel shame about.
I am bad because…
I am not male enough, black enough, straight enough, spiritual enough, fit enough, smart enough, etc.
I am unworthy because…
I have an addiction, I was abused as a child, I was a bully, etc.
I am broken because…
I have depression, I struggle with focus, I make bad decisions, etc.
Shame believes that lessening ourselves leads to acceptance.
If I lessen my feelings, needs, interests, etc…
Then acceptance is more likely.
I am not a burden to others if I have few needs.
But does shame work?
Not entirely.
You may feel the comfort of having supportive people in your life…
But shame-filled people still tend to feel isolated.
Safe, but alone.
As humans, we long to be fully accepted, with all our parts, the good and the struggling.
We feel safe and connected when we are fully known and accepted.
Shame attempts to protect us from isolation…
But shame further distances us from ourselves and others.
Where does shame come from?
Typically, shame develops when we are young.
As little ones, our black-and-white brains struggle to understand grey situations…
Like abuse, divorce, a struggling parent, a friendship breakup, etc…
Without an adult to listen to our feelings, answer our questions, and help us understand it’s not about us…
These situations can feel overwhelming and powerless.
When we feel powerless, we look for something we can control... ourselves.
Shame tells us that we are part of the problem…
Even when we are not…
And we can make things better by changing ourselves.
Can we experience safety and connection without shame?
The good news is YES!
Because shame impacts our relationship with ourselves and others…
It is important that we address all relationships.
First, we repair relationship with ourselves through self-compassion.
Self-compassion reminds us that shame develops because of suffering.
We suffer when we need to hide or reduce parts of ourselves to feel connected.
We suffer when we cannot see that at our core, we are good.
Self-compassion reminds us that suffering is common to all humanity…
And because we all suffer to some extent, it is important that we be kind to ourselves.
Second, we address shame through healthy relationships.
Relationships are like mirrors.
The unhealthy ones are dark and murky.
We see a shameful distorted view of ourselves when we look in the unhealthy mirror.
Healthy relationships are like clear and shiny mirrors.
We see an accurate picture of our best selves when we look in the healthy mirror.
Healthy relationships, which take time to build,…
Provide the context for confronting shame by expressing what is true…
The parts of us we hide or reduce.
This is a vulnerable and courageous act because we risk the possibility of rejection.
But if we do not risk, we also avoid the possibility of acceptance and connection.
So, shame…
Thank you.
Thank you for keeping me safe.
Thank you for trying to keep me connected.
I now know that honesty is the pathway to feeling safe and connected.
Sincerely,
Matt
Thanks to my friends and colleagues who shared their feedback when writing this article.
Matt Armstrong is a Registered Clinical Counsellor practising in Fort Langley, Canada.
